Friday, April 20, 2012

Fulfillng my Promise of Humiliation

If someone in the future happens to ask me, “Have you ever blown on the ass of an armadillo?” I can say, yes, yes I have.

It was almost cruel  since these poor babies seemed so scared.  Not as scared as one of my coworkers who was horrified to find she was actually expected to TOUCH that THING.  They are a bit squirmy.

At our annual conference we always host a big party on Wednesday night.  This time it was at the Circle R Ranch in Flower Mound, TX.  When they said we were going to have armadillo races, I assumed they meant a few armadillos racing towards a finish line while we bet from the sidelines.  That isn’t the way it works at all.

Instead you crawl on your hands and knees behind the animal while blowing on the rear end.  Not my finest moment...or my best side.  But.  I did win my race and the prize:

Several people asked if this was real armadillo milk.  There is definitely liquid in the can but I don't plan to drink so it does it matter?  Next time my dad comes over and wants coffee though...

We also had a mechanical bull, which I abstained from.  When my coworker was pressuring me to do it I explained that bulls mount cows, cows don’t mount bulls.

I did ride the bull when we did this several years go.  I like to think I am older and wiser now.  There is a photo from the previous time that I am not in possession of so I can't share it here.  I know, I am really disappointed too.

There was a band and a dance floor and I did get out there and do the Electric Slide with some of the women and one of the men.  That particular man was here a few years back when we had our party at Billy Bob’s Texas.  He convinced me that he needed someone to teach him how to two-step.  It took about two steps for me to realize he was a LIAR.  He ended up being the belle of the ball as the only man there that both knew how to dance and was willing to do so.

We two-stepped again this time but the dance floor stayed as empty as it was when I took this picture of the band.  I guess we were the only two-step qualified people this year.

I heard we were having “gunslingers” there too and that also turned out to be different than I expected.  I thought it would be a skit type of situation but instead, they taught us how to fire the revolver and let us have a go at each other. 

The guy who showed me how to cock and shoot the gun explained the rules:  when the bandanna hits the ground, draw and fire.  I said, "What if I draw before that?"  He said, "That's called cheating."

As the owners of my company – one of them my boss – looked on, me and a coworker went to draw on each other but both turned and fired at our boss instead.  Needless to say, he was a little surprised.

Almost as surprised as my friend Tim who found out he couldn't use these stairs to exit the building.

Four hours later me and my can of Armadillo Milk were tired and ready to head back to the hotel.

My dogs were barking (as they say).  Nice to sit by the fire a while.  They passed out cigars but I didn't take one.  We did have someone try to light theirs in the fire pit.  I got my camera ready to film the ensuing tragedy but she managed to avoid setting herself on fire.

Friday is our last day of conference.  I am ready to go to bed at a normal hour and in my own bed but I had a great time.  And I am happy to say that some of my customers aren’t just customers anymore, they are friends.

Friendly feet.

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