Friday, May 11, 2012

Tears on my Pillow (In Amarillo)

On Tuesday night, I have plans to go to The Big Texan steakhouse.  According to their website, this is the only night they have a live band.  I ran into a pretty sizable traffic jam by Amarillo standards because of this:

Three empty police cars with lights running block a lane while the three police officers deal with this dangerous homeless man on the Interstate 40 service road.  It was obvious one of the officers had tackled the offender since he had dirt down one leg of his pants (the officer, the homeless guy had dirt all over).  I guess homeless guy didn't see the signs:

This was in a store window at an antique dealer on Rt 66.

Once on my way again, it is impossible to miss the restaurant.  

Plus, it is a local legend.  Everyone in Amarillo and the surrounding area know what this place is and where it is at.  

They are home of the FREE 72 oz Steak.  If you can eat the 72 oz steak meal, you don't pay, if you fail it is $72, or $1 an ounce if you need help with the math.  You must pay in advance and you must eat everything in the meal which includes a shrimp cocktail, roll, potato, and salad, in under 60 minutes.  You are seated at a table that is up on a platform with a clock running right over the grill.

There are also trash cans there in case the participant needs to hurl.  The waitress tells me that sometimes the other people in the restaurant want a refund when this happens, other times they are chanting for the person to barf.  Could go either way she says.

The waitress says they average about a person a day taking the challenge which is also broadcast via webcam on their website.  There is a video on their website of a man doing it in under 9 minutes.  The waitress also confirms the existence of a "black list", mainly truckers and locals who have been successful in the past and would be in there with some frequency for the free food if allowed.  Again, it is hard for me to imagine since the waitress says it is over 5 lbs. of food so roughly equivalent to this:

I don't even order steak, I order salmon.  Even then I can't eat the whole thing because I had an appetizer.

It says, "He was a bold Man that ate the first Mountain Oyster."  That may be true but I am more interested to know who was the first person that decided it was an option to remove and cook them.  I would also like to meet the person that can list Testicle Harvester on his resume.

When David and I discuss this he assures me he would NEVER eat Mountain Oysters because, "he has balls and he wouldn't want someone cutting his off and eating them."  If you aren't familiar with the term Mountain Oyster (aka Calf Fries if the animal is very young), they are bull testicles and as the menu says, "If you think it's seafood, go with the shrimp."  I think David believes I will chicken out and do just that.

He is wrong...They come deep-fried and with a cup of cocktail sauce.  

When I order, the waitress asks if I have had them before and I say no.  "It's okay, we shave them and everything," she assures me.  I just look at her.  She laughs and says, "I'm just kidding!".  How was I supposed to know?  Maybe they need shaving.  I haven't been this close to a bull testicle before.

As with other things, I tell myself just put it in your mouth and get it over with quick. So I did.  Someone told me they would be thin and flat but these weren't, they were chunks.  It was the consistency of a chicken liver.

So, the burning question...what do they taste like?  I could say the usual, they taste like chicken but....I JUST ATE A #%&^$ TESTICLE,  AND NO IT DID NOT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!!

Moving on...a note about the band:

On this night the "band" were three old-timers walking around mariachi style.  I am pretty sure I heard Faded Love 7 times.

This restaurant is about the novelty, the food really wasn't that great, testicles notwithstanding.  There are slot machines (after my success in Omaha, I didn't test my luck again), a shooting gallery, a homemade fudge bar, a saloon area, and a gift shop.

I was tempted to buy David a jackalope from the gift shop but got him a t-shirt instead.

In the hall by the bathroom I found her grandmother.  Yes, HER.

The Omaha doll's grandmother's picture is hanging on the wall at The Big Texan.

I didn't recognize her right away.

Until she tried to escape the frame and murder me when I turned to walk away.

Shaken up from that encounter, I decide to return to my hotel.  I turn on the TV (manually, remember there is no remote) and once I find something, I stick with it (because I am lazy and there is no remote).  The well-known movie The Education of Little Tree is somewhere in the middle when I join in.  (The fact that David neither owns nor recognizes this movie should be a sign that it could be worth missing.) 

The only explanation for what I am about to disclose has to be related to the earlier consumption of testicles (that's right I ate more than 1, 3 to be exact, I needed to be sure).  

I started to cry.  Then I couldn't stop.  

I think my body reacted to the leftover testosterone in the testicles by sending out an estrogen spike.  When that movie ends I switch to the Nicolas Sparks movie Dear John and cry some more.  I don't cry at movies, ask my mother.  She thinks it is a birth defect or at the very least, a serious personality flaw.

There, now you know.  I hope you enjoyed that because I won't be doing it again any time soon.  Yeah, not that either but I meant the crying.

I do want to return here sometime to stay at the motel next to the restaurant.  If the outside looks like this, I am really interested to see the inside.

Also, I have to go back because I am going to talk David into trying you-know-what.  He just doesn't know it yet.

1 comment:

  1. I am starting to seriously want the zombie vampire doll in the tutu...